2018 DIARY WEEK THIRTY NINE 24/09 -- 30/09

Mixed week coming up for me, Paid on Tuesday which will help, although already spent as always. supposed to be out on Friday night with guys in Twickenham and then looking forward to a couple of days off next week. However Friday will also see Sonia leaving the office so another one gone, again I am pleased for her as she is unhappy with her situation and also I learnt her Mum is not very well so she will fly out and spend some time with her. Have also heard that some others have "left" or been "sacked" for various reasons, which doesn't bode well for the future really, add to that the current go live for Salesforce is delayed, hopefully only for a few days. 
Once again having really bad thoughts since the beginning of week, first of all about NOT wanting to go out with the guys on Friday, I wanted to go out , but all I can think of is ways to get out of it now. I thought it was about not having the money to go out, I had money, then lost it all. But the main thing stuck in my head is that I just don't have the will to carry on anymore. Been reading about other people's experiences as well as about people who did have to end it all for various reasons. Sadly many of these hit home for me too, and just don't seem to be able to shift it at all. Spend most of Wednesday feeling as though I was about to burst into tears all day. This is never going to go away, I had my chances earlier in the year and I've blown them. It's too much now, think it's best if I just leave it and wish everyone well. 

2018 DIARY WEEK THIRTY EIGHT 17/09 -- 23/09

A tricky final week for us for couple of reasons, one that I've no money so go easy, and two there are more people leaving the company and I feel even more left behind than before. Then on Monday morning I find that Sonia is leaving ... slightly different circumstances, her mother is unwell so going back home (Romania) to look after her. So pleased for her to be leaving as she has been very unhappy for a long time, but also somewhat sad for me as I like her an awful lot and will miss her tremendously. So I know I need to do more now to get myself out of there too and find something I will enjoy. 

Ken and Cathy were coming up to see us for lunch on Friday and while I cannot afford it (unless Ken pays, which he did bless him) I still want to go and join them. Lets' see where we end up and what happens. Omkar is also leaving on Friday but I cannot make his leaving do sadly. Also heard from Will, we are going to meet up on the 1st as I am off for a few days, so a long awaited Quadzilla in the Cornerstone pub in Kingston, look forward to that. 

Sadly heard the news on Saturday that Chas Hodges of Chas and Dave fame had passed away so very sad that I won't hear them live again and will have a night of his music on the facebook pages that I help to manage. How will the weekend go for me, looks like rain so have enough in for the weekend and we'll have to find plenty to do at home.


Managed to survive this month just about, that's good, onwards into October soon.

2018 DIARY WEEK THIRTY SEVEN 10/09 -- 16/09

Beginning this week with a couple of days off on Monday and Tuesday, no huge plans, though told work I'm off to the Test Match at the Oval which would have been nice but instead am only going to the Crematorium and a bit of shopping. Days off were booked a while back and I had hoped to have some interviews set up but since I've not really done very much about that it's no surprise that I'm still where I am and just getting by one week at a time. 

Listened to the Test Match though, everyone seems to be getting very excited about this, for me it's just another match. Did go to the Crem, spent an hour there, came back after some shopping and then also got some trains out to photograph for later. Tuesday was a much quieter day off, no money so stopped home, did my ironing and cleaning and also ran some trains on the board I purchased creating an N Gauge test track. Everything seems to run reasonably well, so will look to get a few more bits of rolling stock in time. Rest of the week fairly non eventful, back to office and getting by one day at a time. Have no funds so just getting through this month and then see how we see the year out. At least over the weekend there is plenty to follow, Football vs Scunthorpe, the F1 Grand Prix along with various podcasts. Might try and stay up to catch the boxing too but that's about 4am so we'll see.

2018 DIARY WEEK THIRTY SIX 03/09 -- 09/09

Starting the week back in the office without Ken and Cathy, see how the stand up meetings go they will probably be bossed by Stew so will have to take a breath. Had another bad weekend money wise, despite being successful on Friday night, lost the lot, idiot. Can we get through the month, we will have to try hard and go at least one day each week spending nothing. Looking forwards will be off work on Monday and Tuesday next week so will probably go to Crematorium then and write more, maybe getting the trains out for a run too. 

Monday and Tuesday was ok, the daily stand-up went fine, not so many people in but have been around checking that all is well with the different teams. But there's a feeling of being watched over now, and being undermined that I don't like. End of the week was a little better as I was being kept really busy and that's fine. Just about able to get through the rest of the week and month ahead if we are sensible, need a card to send to Lavinia for her birthday next week. 

Hopefully Wimbledon can get a win on Saturday against Gillingham as we desperately need the points. A weekend where the NFL has also kicked off and I will try and follow some of these games too. 

2018 DIARY WEEK THIRTY FIVE 27/08 -- 02/09

This week begins with a nice rest as it's a Bank Holiday Monday, however we won't be up to much as no funds, and barely able to get through the coming month. Of course dwelling on that will keep getting me down so looking at what I can do instead to occupy my mind without having to spend money. So Bank Holiday Monday was up and popped out for a little shopping, enough to batch cook some dinners for the week ahead. Ironing was the next big job and that's shirts and bits ready for another week at work (a slightly shorter one at that). Listening to some old podcasts that I had saved up, the "At Home" one by Colin Murray with Kriss Akabusi was excellent and I hope he will return with another series of these as they are very entertaining while doing the ironing and housework. 

 Written my own blogs for the week and drafted a few others, this includes some railway ones which also allowed us to get a few of my N Gauge items out for a run. Nice to see that even on a brief test track they do actually run, a couple of rough looking items that I picked up for peanuts on eBay will be ok for my needs. And was also able to check a few other items too. Have recently bought a larger baseboard which I need to start using, have track for now, thinking of creating some simple model kits too. We will see...

As mentioned before this is the last week working with Ken and Cathy, very sad for me, very happy for them. Liz is also off for the week back on Friday, I really feel like I don't want to come in then will see how I cope. Few others leaving yet I have nothing in the pipeline, mainly because I need to get my bills and finance in order first and that is something that will probably take a few years at this rate. IF I get through the coming weeks I might be better, for a short while, the long term is a difficult thing to get straight in my mind. 

End of September there is a night out planned with all the guys, yes i really want to go, but right now that feels like an impossibility.