2018 DIARY WEEK THIRTY NINE 24/09 -- 30/09

Mixed week coming up for me, Paid on Tuesday which will help, although already spent as always. supposed to be out on Friday night with guys in Twickenham and then looking forward to a couple of days off next week. However Friday will also see Sonia leaving the office so another one gone, again I am pleased for her as she is unhappy with her situation and also I learnt her Mum is not very well so she will fly out and spend some time with her. Have also heard that some others have "left" or been "sacked" for various reasons, which doesn't bode well for the future really, add to that the current go live for Salesforce is delayed, hopefully only for a few days. 
Once again having really bad thoughts since the beginning of week, first of all about NOT wanting to go out with the guys on Friday, I wanted to go out , but all I can think of is ways to get out of it now. I thought it was about not having the money to go out, I had money, then lost it all. But the main thing stuck in my head is that I just don't have the will to carry on anymore. Been reading about other people's experiences as well as about people who did have to end it all for various reasons. Sadly many of these hit home for me too, and just don't seem to be able to shift it at all. Spend most of Wednesday feeling as though I was about to burst into tears all day. This is never going to go away, I had my chances earlier in the year and I've blown them. It's too much now, think it's best if I just leave it and wish everyone well.