WEEK FORTY SEVEN 19/11 -- 25/11

The dark nights are with us now and certainly the days are not much brighter either, the start of this week should have been a fun Saturday out, managing to get by with no money but had drinks, chocs and enough to get over to spend an evening with a really good friend of mine. So what can go wrong, well to begin with it was a really cold and wet journey there, and I arrive to find she's got a cold too. After getting there I find they are already half cut on red wine (which is fine, it's Saturday evening and her gaff - her rules) but another guest is also in place so basically means no chance to have a good talk and catch up properly as usual. 

Tried to help her sort out a "what can I wear" dress dilemma for next weekend (she's off to some posh do) and don't think I was being a lot of help even though I was being honest. There were other things too that wound me up a bit, it was ok, though I still found myself upset and leaving in the rain to go home feeling so much worse than any time before. 

When I needed a friend and someone to talk to they simply are not there any more, beginning to think that I have to cut them free, forget about others and just move on alone. I know I brought this on myself now and the depression is so hard to shake off, I would be better off dead, there is not a single person out there that I feel would miss me if I was not here anymore, friends, family, people I care about I really believe no one actually cares about me. Don't want pity (I have plenty of that for myself) just wanted to be useful to someone and feel some sort of love back, not physical, just something that I can cling onto. 

Already overspent £100+ more than I have so next month is really going to be rough, paid Monday and once bills are sorted that's it I think. No Christmas for me, I have some cards will post them but no parties, no presents, no friends. What's the point eh? Time to turn to some other form of help, whether that is professional help or just a forum to pour out my feelings. 

So onward into the week ahead, get some decent food in and start making what best plans you can for the next month. I do at least have cards ready for birthdays and Christmas to write and send, if I get the ones needed for Australia out first that will be a start. I just do not feel in the mood for festivities, shopping, presents and all that. Not only that but the fact it is freezing cold here does not exactly help matters. 

Get professional help if problems persist. 
If you are facing a problem you can’t solve on your own, discuss this with a professional.

• If you have concerns about your child, talk to the school welfare officer or your child’s doctor.
• If you are caring for a grandchild or an older relative, contact a support group or even an online community such as LifeWorks.
• If you could use help with a gambling problem, a shopping addiction, a relationship problem or another personal concern, talk to your doctor, a therapist or an online resource.