2018 DIARY WEEK THIRTY 23/07 -- 29/07

Our week begins with a day off on Monday which I booked as it's the 6th Anniversary of Dad passing away. 

Turned out to be a bad day for me, not only did I fail to make it to the Crematorium as planned but headed straight home once again. Didn't get much done at all either which annoyed me and felt like a waste of a few days off really. Sorry Dad. x

Got paid Wednesday, same old story it's all gone again and another advance taken. I thought I had got past this stage but here we go again. At least have some funds to get through the month, the aim to start putting something back for end of the year if you actually make it that far. Doesn't look too good at the moment if we are honest, another month wasted and just nothing really to show for your strife. What we must now do is find something else to occupy my time, job hunting might be a good idea. Am so tired of this that dark thoughts are regularly there, I really have no one to talk to and can't see a way forwards. 

A longstanding and wonderful friend got married last weekend, I didn't go, miss Sarah, glad she is happy and sorted, long may they enjoy life together. Was asked down, but I don't think I will be going anywhere anytime soon. 

What is wrong with me. I am so sad and alone.

2018 DIARY WEEK TWENTY NINE 16/07 -- 22/07

Monday, nice start to the day with a load of delays due to a line side fire at Feltham. Just about got in for 9am and then bored all day. Am glad it's a couple of short weeks, so have also booked myself days off for coming months and left only a few for end of the year for a change. No more World Cup or Wimbledon Tennis so a quiet week or two now is expected until our football season begins on 4th August with an away game against Joey Barton's Fleetwood Town. 

So this week we can enjoy a long weekend with Friday and Monday planned as leave. Was supposed to be travelling down to Bognor to attend Sarah and Graham's wedding party that sadly is not going to happen (the wedding is, silly, I meant I am not going to be travelling). Shame but this is the problems I have created for myself now. Friday off work and had a mooch around Kingston, very bad on my feet, was home and watch TV before 2pm. Rest of weekend following the Open Golf and the F1 German GP. 

Am bored, but keeping busy. However I do realise that I have lost touch with 99% of my friends, Vince, Neil, Mark ... all gone. Good luck to them, this is all on me. I only really have Julia and Paul, plus a few only friends like Stephanie in the Isle of Wight. Facebook lets me see that others are out there having fun, it's a shame I have shut myself off and don't join them. A lack of funds doesn't help either this is probably the end for me now. 

2018 DIARY WEEK TWENTY EIGHT 09/07 -- 15/07

Another dull and boring week at work, only highlights were not really work related. The first being a nice reply from Jenny about her first week off / maternity leave. Great to hear from her and only a few weeks until she has her baby. Must drop Will C a line too once i find his email address and I got that sent out midweek. 

Tuesday was nice, up on the 17th floor of our office we had a wonderful view of the RAF 100 Year celebrations including a 100 plane flypast across London. Spitfires, Lancaster Bombers, new stealth fighter jets and an impressive flypast of 22 Typhoons showing the 100 sign (above). All of this was followed of course by the Red Arrows. Wonderful sight shame it was all over in a matter of minutes. 

The World Cup Semi finals took place this week and while wasn't that bothered about France beating Belgium 1-0 on Tuesday it's the big one on Wednesday night when England face Croatia. Despite taking the lead in the fifth minute we were unable to take advantage and crashed out of this years competition one step away from the final. Congratulations to Croatia (well done Beatrix) winning 2-1 in Extra Time. 

William came into the office on Friday which was nice, we had some major issues with the sites so a distraction was welcome at the end of the week. Doing absolutely nothing this weekend although I have a lot of cleaning and clearing around to do to accommodate a large baseboard I ordered to run my N Gauge trains on which was handy and have finally binned my old printer which was broken and just taking up space. So with that out the way for now can try and tidy up a bit more. 

Next week another dull one, but another week nearer to my bosses leaving which is sad for me. I need to do something myself on that front and have Friday / Monday off too. More on that next time.

2018 DIARY WEEK TWENTY SEVEN 02/07 -- 08/07

Starting the week with couple of days off on Monday and Tuesday, usual story I pop out into Kingston and stay less than an hour because it's too uncomfortable and feeling under pressure. Return home having picked up birthday cards for Freddie and James to send later, plus a few supplies for this week. Watching Wimbledon (Tennis) as well as the World Cup fixtures at home. 

Blown all my money again, fed up with this, nothing to look forward to as days off just become random days at home doing bugger all. 

Went out on Tuesday too into Richmond, stayed out a bit longer though was very warm, Richmond Green was very sparse but found some shade and rested for a while with a coffee and a read of the papers. Still feel fed up but tried to smile today. Sent some messages, see how the rest of the week goes and do something on the weekend. 

At least England won in the World Cup and on Penalties too which was a rare change. Onto playing Sweden on Saturday afternoon where they win again 2-0 so now into a Semi Final next Wednesday. It has been a busy weekend ahead of sport, Wimbledon Tennis on, AFC Wimbledon playing Reading in the first pre season friendly where they won 4-2, plus the World Cup, and the F1 British Grand Prix at Silverstone. It's baking hot outside so I've got ciders in the fridge, I need to get some food shopping done but am going to mong out all weekend once again.

2018 DIARY WEEK TWENTY SIX 25/06 -- 01/07

FAREWELL JENNY x

Another week, starts off in sunshine and having been paid have slightly lightened the mood for a short while. It's the final week in the office for couple of colleagues, William and Jenny, and I need to start working on my own escape plan, which will need some action as I am really struggling to cope with day to day events. 

Leaving drinks, Andrew, Liz, Jenny 

Got paid, money all gone, no chance of going to Sarah wedding so need to cancel that hotel booking which I have now reluctantly done. She will be disappointed with me but there is no option now it is done. I am gutted, this so called life of mine is just a day to day misery. Really Martin what is the point of you ? 

Writing about World Cup games, Horse Racing and yet you actually do very little outside of going to work and coming home. What can you do, how do you change, there is clearly an in built self destruction in you, perhaps it would be better for all if you simply were not here anymore, I mean it's no big loss is it. Where are the happy times, nights out with these guys would be fun. No longer happening. I'm done